What to expect, what to avoid, and how to protect yourself through the process.
Divorce is rarely easy. Even under the most amicable circumstances, it marks the end of something significant, and the decisions you make early on can shape how everything unfolds.
Have a Plan Before You Have the Conversation
You don't need to have every detail figured out, but you should have at least one thing sorted before you tell your spouse you want a divorce: where you're going to sleep that night.
Going back to the same house immediately after that conversation is almost never a good idea. Emotions are raw, and the risk of conflict is at its peak. Even a few nights in a hotel give both parties time to decompress and reduce the chance of an incident that could follow you through the legal process.
How a divorce starts often determines how it goes. The more control you have over those early decisions, the better your odds of a smoother outcome.
If There Are Children Involved
Divorce is hard on kids. They tend to feel pulled in both directions, and how the adults handle things has a lasting impact.
- Never use your children as messengers between you and your spouse. Judges do not look favorably on this, regardless of the reason.
- Withholding visitation to express frustration is a common reaction, but a damaging one. Courts pay close attention to which parent is supporting the other's relationship with the children.
- When it comes to custody, the biggest factors are typically who has been the primary caregiver and the children's ages.
- Leaving the marital home does not automatically hurt your custody case, though it is worth discussing with your attorney.
Think Before You Act
Anger and distress are natural when a marriage is falling apart, but major decisions made in that state often look different in hindsight. Before moving forward, it is worth taking an honest look at what life actually looks like post-divorce, financially, logistically, and emotionally.
Costs increase significantly once two households are involved. Each parent will need adequate space for the children. Shared items like clothing and toys frequently become points of conflict. Couples who were comfortable on two incomes can find themselves stretched thin after support payments, separate housing, and other new expenses are factored in.
Be Careful About who you talk to
When a divorce is underway, it can feel all-consuming. That's normal. But try to keep the details close. Talking openly about your divorce with people outside of close family and trusted friends creates risk. Information gets back to the other side, and it can be used against you, including claims that you are trying to alienate your children's affections from your spouse.
When Divorce and Bankruptcy Overlap
Bankruptcies can cause divorces, and divorces can cause bankruptcies. When both are happening at the same time, things get complicated quickly.
A common scenario: a couple files for Chapter 13 bankruptcy, which involves a repayment plan lasting up to five years, often to keep the marital home. During that process, the marriage deteriorates and one spouse decides to file for divorce. That spouse may then exit the Chapter 13 and file for Chapter 7 instead. The result is often that the marital home gets liquidated by the bankruptcy trustee and is no longer available as an asset to divide.
The general guidance: keep these two proceedings separate whenever possible. Finish the bankruptcy before starting the divorce, or finalize the divorce before filing for bankruptcy. Mixing the two almost always leads to worse financial outcomes for both parties.
That said, sometimes there is no choice. A garnished paycheck or frozen bank account may force a bankruptcy filing mid-divorce. When that happens, the key is to minimize the overlap as much as possible and work with an attorney who understands both proceedings.
Every situation is different. Future posts will go deeper on specific divorce-related topics. If you have questions or want to discuss your situation, feel free to reach out.
